Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts
Saturday, 13 September 2014
Sunday, 24 August 2014
Fight between Husband and Wife
This is the best and most civil way
to have a fight between husband and wife instead of resorting to physical force...
Poems written byWIFE andHUSBAND.
WIFE:
I wrote your name on sand it got washed.
I wrote your name in air, it was blown away.
Then I wrote your name on my heart & I got Heart Attack.
HUSBAND:
God saw me hungry, he created pizza.
He saw me thirsty, he created Pepsi.
He saw me in the dark, he created light.
He saw me without problems, he created YOU.
WIFE:
Twinkle twinkle little star
You should know what you are
And once you know what you are
Mental hospital is not so far
HUSBAND:
The rain makes all things beautiful.
The grass and flowers too.
If rain makes all things beautiful
Why doesn't it rain on you?
WIFE:
Roses are red; Violets are blue
Monkeys like you should be kept in a zoo.
Don't feel so angry, you will find me there too
Not in the cage but outside, laughing at you
WIFE:
I wrote your name on sand it got washed.
I wrote your name in air, it was blown away.
Then I wrote your name on my heart & I got Heart Attack.
HUSBAND:
God saw me hungry, he created pizza.
He saw me thirsty, he created Pepsi.
He saw me in the dark, he created light.
He saw me without problems, he created YOU.
WIFE:
Twinkle twinkle little star
You should know what you are
And once you know what you are
Mental hospital is not so far
HUSBAND:
The rain makes all things beautiful.
The grass and flowers too.
If rain makes all things beautiful
Why doesn't it rain on you?
WIFE:
Roses are red; Violets are blue
Monkeys like you should be kept in a zoo.
Don't feel so angry, you will find me there too
Not in the cage but outside, laughing at you
AND THE SAGA CONTINUES........
Position of a Husband Is just like a Split AC
No matter however Loud he is in the Outdoors
He is designed to remain Silent indoors........................................................................
"Husband is one who is the head of the family,
but his wife is the neck, and whichever way she turns, he goes."........................................................................
A man in Hell asked Devil:
Can I make a call to my Wife?
After making call he asked how much to pay.
Devil : Nothing, Hell to hell is Free.
................................................................
Husband: Do you know the meaning of WIFE?
It means, Without Information, Fighting Everytime!
Wife: No darling, it means - With Idiot For Ever
...........................................................................
Wife: I wish I was a newspaper,
So I'd be in your hands all day.
Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper,
So I could have a new one every day.
.................................................................
Doctor: Your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping Pills.
Wife: When must I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you...................................................................
Wife: I had to marry you to find out how stupid you are..
Husband: You should have known it the minute I asked you to marry me.
....................................................................
Wife: What will you give me if I climb the great Mount Everest ?Husband: A lovely Push...!
and the life goes on........
Jokes on Doctor
Let me tell you about my doctor. He's very good! If you tell him you want a second opinion, He'll go out and come in again.
~~~~~
He treated one woman for yellow jaundice for three years before he realized she was Chinese.
~~~~~
Another time, he gave a patient six months to live. At the end of the six months, the patient hadn't paid his bill, So, the doctor gave him another six months.
~~~~~
While he was talking to me, his nurse came in and said, "Doctor, there is a man here who thinks he's invisible." The doctor said, "Tell him I can't see him."
~~~~~
Another time, a man came running in the office and yelled, "Doctor, doctor! - my son just swallowed a roll of film!" The doctor calmly replied, "Let's just wait and see what develops."
~~~~~
One patient came in and said, "Doctor, I have a serious memory problem." The doctor asked,"When did it start?" The man replied, "When did what start?"
~~~~~
I remember one time I told my doctor I had a ringing in my ears. His advice: "Don't answer it."
~~~~~
My doctor sure has his share of nut cases. One said to him, "Doctor, I think I'm a bell." The doctor gave him some pills and said, "Here, take these - If they don't work, give me a ring."
~~~~~
Another guy told the doctor that he thought he was a deck of cards. The doctor simply said, "Go sit over there. I'll deal with you later."
~~~~~
When I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places, He told me to stop going to those places.
~~~~~
You know, doctors can be so frustrating. You wait a month and a half for an appointment, then he says, "I wish you had come to me sooner
~~~~~
He treated one woman for yellow jaundice for three years before he realized she was Chinese.
~~~~~
Another time, he gave a patient six months to live. At the end of the six months, the patient hadn't paid his bill, So, the doctor gave him another six months.
~~~~~
While he was talking to me, his nurse came in and said, "Doctor, there is a man here who thinks he's invisible." The doctor said, "Tell him I can't see him."
~~~~~
Another time, a man came running in the office and yelled, "Doctor, doctor! - my son just swallowed a roll of film!" The doctor calmly replied, "Let's just wait and see what develops."
~~~~~
One patient came in and said, "Doctor, I have a serious memory problem." The doctor asked,"When did it start?" The man replied, "When did what start?"
~~~~~
I remember one time I told my doctor I had a ringing in my ears. His advice: "Don't answer it."
~~~~~
My doctor sure has his share of nut cases. One said to him, "Doctor, I think I'm a bell." The doctor gave him some pills and said, "Here, take these - If they don't work, give me a ring."
~~~~~
Another guy told the doctor that he thought he was a deck of cards. The doctor simply said, "Go sit over there. I'll deal with you later."
~~~~~
When I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places, He told me to stop going to those places.
~~~~~
You know, doctors can be so frustrating. You wait a month and a half for an appointment, then he says, "I wish you had come to me sooner
The Charitable Husband
The Charitable Husband...
A wife arriving home from a shopping trip was horrified to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman.
She screamed at him: "You're a pig! A pig with no honor! How dare you do this to me! I'm your faithful wife!"
She was about to storm off when her husband stopped her with these words: "Wait a minute, let me at least explain what happened!"
"Fine!" cried the angry wife, "but they will be your last words to me!"
"Well, while I was driving along the highway, I saw this young girl here, looking tired and haggard. I felt sorry for her, so I brought her home.
She was hungry, so I made her a meal from the roast beef you thought was too fattening.
Her sandals were torn so I gave her a pair of good shoes you had discarded because they had gone out of style.
She was cold, so I gave her the sweater I got you for your birthday that you don't wear because the colors don't suit you.
Her slacks were worn out, so I gave her a pair of yours that you liked before your sister bought the same pair.
Then, as she was about to leave the house, she turned to me and said pleadingly, "Please, please, is there anything ELSE your wife doesn't use anymore?"
Chitragupt's problem
Chitragupt's problem:
One day Chitragupt told Brahma that he should stop this scheme - that if ladies keep 'Karva Chauth', they will get the same husband for the next 7 janams.
Brahma asked,"Why?"
Chitragupt: "Prabhu, its becoming very difficult to manage. The ladies want the same husband and the husbands want a new wife. It's a problem to convince both".
Brahma: "But this can’t be stopped. It’s been going on since times immemorial".
Just then, Narad Muni, comes and suggests, "On earth, there is a great person called Santa Singh. Ask him for a solution".
Chitragupt meets Santa Singh. In one minute Santa Singh solves the problem.
Santa Singh advises Chitragupt: "Any lady who wants the same husband, tell her she will also get the same MOTHER IN LAW".
One day Chitragupt told Brahma that he should stop this scheme - that if ladies keep 'Karva Chauth', they will get the same husband for the next 7 janams.
Brahma asked,"Why?"
Chitragupt: "Prabhu, its becoming very difficult to manage. The ladies want the same husband and the husbands want a new wife. It's a problem to convince both".
Brahma: "But this can’t be stopped. It’s been going on since times immemorial".
Just then, Narad Muni, comes and suggests, "On earth, there is a great person called Santa Singh. Ask him for a solution".
Chitragupt meets Santa Singh. In one minute Santa Singh solves the problem.
Santa Singh advises Chitragupt: "Any lady who wants the same husband, tell her she will also get the same MOTHER IN LAW".
Friday, 25 July 2014
Boss
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?
The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow and rested.
All of a sudden a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story : To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Clever Neighbor
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower & the doorbell rings.
After a few seconds of arguing over who should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs.
Then she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I will give you $800 just to drop that towel that you have on" After thinking for a moment , the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
Bob has a close look at her for a few seconds, hands over $800 and quickly leaves.
Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes upstairs.
When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower " who was that ?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
"Great," the husband says, " did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?" :)
Moral of the story :
Share critical credit information with your stakeholders to prevent avoidable exposure!
Wednesday, 23 July 2014
3 Parrots
3 PARROTS
A man wanted to buy his son a parrot as a birthday present.
The next day he went to the pet shop and saw three identical parrots in a cage.
He asked the clerk, "how much for the parrot on the right?
The owner said it was Rs. 2500.
“Rs. 2500.”, the man said. "Well what does he do?
“He knows how to use all of the functions of Microsoft Office 2000, responds the clerk.
“He can do all of your spreadsheets and type all of your letters.”
The man then asked what the second parrot cost.
The clerk replied, Rs. 5000, but he not only knows Office 2000,
but is an expert computer programmer.
Finally, the man inquired about the cost of the last parrot.
The clerk replied, “Rs. 10,000.”
Curious as to how a bird can cost Rs. 10,000, the man asked what this bird’s specialty was.
The clerk replies, "Well to be honest I haven’t seen him do anything.
But the other two call him " BOSS"!!
Friday, 13 June 2014
Tuesday, 10 June 2014
The problem with giving in to the urge to please everybody
Wicked man and donkey ;The problem with giving in to the urge to please everybody.
Learning to live without recognition
There was a farmer who had a horse and a goat…..One day, the horse became ill and he called the veterinarian, who said: - Well, your horse has a virus. He must take this medicine for three days. I’ll come back on the 3rd day and if he’s not better, we’re going to have to put him down.
Nearby, the goat listened closely to their conversation. The next day, they gave him the medicine and left. The goat approached the horse and said: - Be strong, my friend.
Get up or else they’re going to put you to sleep!
On the second day, they gave him the medicine and left. The goat came back and said:
- Come on buddy, get up or else you’re going to die! Come on, I’ll help you get up.
Let’s go! One, two, three…
On the third day, they came to give him the medicine and the vet said:
- Unfortunately, we’re going to have to put him down tomorrow. Otherwise, the virus might spread and infect the other horses. After they left, the goat approached the horse and said:
- Listen pal, it’s now or never! Get up, come on! Have courage! Come on! Get up! Get up!
That’s it, slowly! Great! Come on, one, two, three… Good, good. Now faster, come on…… Fantastic! Run, run more! Yes! Yay! Yes! You did it, you’re a champion!!!
All of a sudden, the owner came back, saw the horse running in the field and began shouting:
- It’s a miracle! My horse is cured. We must have a grand** **party. Let’s kill the goat!!!!*
***
The Lesson:* this often happens in the workplace & life in general . Nobody truly knows which employee or people actually deserves the merit of success & are in fact contributing towards success , or who’s actually contributing the necessary support to make things happen. Be grateful.
Remember………
*LEARNING TO LIVE WITHOUT RECOGNITION IS A SKILL!!!!*
If anyone ever tells you that your work is unprofessional, remember:
Amateurs built the Ark [which saved all the species]
and
professionals built the Titanic [all died tragically]
Friday, 6 June 2014
Husband Wife Funny Pics ~ Story ~ Hilarious ~ Enjoy
A popular motivational speaker was entertaining his audience.
He said: “The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn’t my wife!”
The audience was in silence and shock. The speaker added: “And that woman was my mother!”
There was laughter and applause. . A week later, a top manager trained by the motivational speaker tried to crack this very effective joke at home.
He was a bit foggy after a drink. He said loudly to his wife who was preparing dinner, “The greatest years
of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife.”
The wife went: “Aahhhh!” with shock and rage. . Standing there for 20 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the manager finally blurted out “…and I can’t remember who she was.” By the time the manager regained his consciousness, he was on a hospital bed nursing burns from boiling water
.
MORAL : The moral of the story is don’t copy if you can’t paste! LOL … just share it 
with your loved ones…
The audience was in silence and shock. The speaker added: “And that woman was my mother!”
There was laughter and applause. . A week later, a top manager trained by the motivational speaker tried to crack this very effective joke at home.
He was a bit foggy after a drink. He said loudly to his wife who was preparing dinner, “The greatest years
of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife.”
The wife went: “Aahhhh!” with shock and rage. . Standing there for 20 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the manager finally blurted out “…and I can’t remember who she was.” By the time the manager regained his consciousness, he was on a hospital bed nursing burns from boiling water
.
MORAL : The moral of the story is don’t copy if you can’t paste! LOL … just share it with your loved ones…
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